When was ur abandoned

Dear Jonice, two months ago I had to take in two of my grandchildren, girl aged 11 and boy aged 4. The 4-year old is now settling into a routine and seems to welcome the stability and discipline which was sorely missing in his life. Although he on odd occasions says he misses his parents he is happy and content. I am now struggling with the year old with abandonment issues.

She is moody, depressed, angry and at times spiteful to her brother. She says her parents and older sister do not care for her. I think the contact she has with them is not personal enough in nature and to infrequent, although she is prone to depression after contact with them. She does say that she prefers being with me but clearly she is very unhappy. How do I help her overcome this? I feel quite helpless. Dear Yvonne, 11 is a very vulnerable age to have an abandonment happen.

I encourage you to find a therapist near you who works with girls her age and try to get her talking to a trained professional about this. Hi Jonice! Today when walking outside, a little bit less warm summer day, a mother and little son walked past. When I have been following your work and advice, hearing this kind of things breaks my heart. But why did she had to deny his experience, the validity of it?

How annoying! Being sad was an appropriate feeling in that situation! But of course she meant well. No wonder if this cen issue is common! Recently I studied NLP method and the teacher said we can always choose our emotions. I became confused. I think it is the exact opposite of what you Jonice teach! What a weird statement. Why would anyone do that?? Life has ups and downs and corresponding feelings, normal right? Even if we could technically always choose our emotions…sounds incredibly laborious to me.

I think I unconsciously learned in childhood that my feelings are burden to other people. Usually it is something else than what I actually feel. I cannot act in whatever way, but I think I can feel whatever way. My father left shortly after I turned three in and my mother dumped us on her parents before I turned six.

By we were moved to a small and very nice group home. We had all our physical needs met and more; it was in fact, almost an upper middle class situation for us. To compound problems, this psychiatrist also decided that I suffered from a condition known as MBD Minimal Brain Dysfunction and she prescribed a hefty dosage of Thorazine as part of my treatment, which I was kept on until I turned Between and I bounced through five foster homes.

In fairness, I received thousands of dollars worth of psychotherapy by an exceptionally good psychologist. Nonetheless, I grew up to be an adult who, despite being very bright I had tested IQ of , failed to accomplish much in his life I do not associate with people outside work and had no contact with my siblings for some twenty five years after finishing high school for no reason other than a certain inertia.

I currently communicate with my sister on a weekly basis, but I have little contact with my younger brother or oldest sister. All we are doing in life is trying to keep ourselves occupied while we wait to learn how we are going to die. Dear James, please do not give up on finding the meaning and purpose of your life. It is so very important and valuable. We must all seek it for ourselves and that process is what makes our lives worthwhile.

Please know many others are struggling alongside you, whether you feel it or not. Im a father who has abandoned his kids,i got over the constant fighting and battling to see them because their mother does not stick to the court orders.

Call their mother all the names under the sun? Of course not,i Just have to let it go,i will have to let their mother corrupt their minds About me. Ive Just drifted away slowly and stopped calling,they dont Need me in their life. Unfortunately their mother has put her own needs before theirs and still cant let stuff go, needs to get back at me through witholding them. Have i abandoned my kids by giving up…. I encourage you to talk this over with a trained therapist who can advise you on how to handle this.

Making the decision to walk away will leave its mark on your children forever. And, as you say, you will have to live with it as well. Please get some help and support on this. They need you. Whatever you do, they do not deserve to be abandoned. Trust me, they need you and love you. This is how my daughter describes what happened.

She is an adult, and no matter how many years I have tried to connect, my daughter still remains passive aggressive toward me. I have cried, explained, apologized, given money when needed, more than anything, I have said how much I love her, and what happened, and why I chose to ask people in her family to help, has made little difference.

My daughter was told by her family that I was at fault for the abuse she experienced by her birth father. No matter that I did what I could to flee the situation, as I was beaten and abused. Leaving that kind of situation, is never easy. And when you make the break, and then be told you are to blame and are a liar, really hurt me. However, for children to hear this, was very destructive and confusing. Though, my daughter remembers, and saw what happened to me, she still has no empathy.

My daughter was abused by her father. I did not know. This story she believes, breaks my heart. And no matter how I have tried to talk about where I was mentally and how the abuse I went through affected my life, my sense as a mother, and that I believed I was a bad mother and could not control the outburst behavior of my two children.

Their school threaten expulsion, due to aggressive behavior by my nine-year son, and verbal abuse of my 11 year-old daughter toward her teacher, of whom she gave the finger, glued his jacked to his chair, etc.

I was verbally called names by both children. My son was completely out of control, and I know, he was only nine at the time, but it was what it was. My family tried to help, I took them to counseling, I tried coping. Early the next morning I woke, closed my bedroom door, gathered my children, and left my apartment. I called my apartment over and over until he answered. I threatened to call the police if he was not out immediately.

He left, but returned one more time a few months later. Depression and thoughts of being a failure, and feelings that if my children were going to have a chance in this life, we needed a break. So, I called family and one best friend for help. So my son went for what was to be a short stay with friends, and my daughter was sent to live with friends of family in another state, of whom I communicated with in depth.

They wanted to help. Those people, turned on me as well. My daughter told that I knew of her abuse, and that was it for her caretakers, said I would never get her back.

My friends who took my son, never were able to have their own children, so my son was manipulated away from me. I gave up. I just stopped and fell into depression even deeper and planned to die. So, I picked myself up off the floor, re-connected with a friend, a man, who was employed by the State Department, and married him. Perhaps, fleeing the country, was my way of fleeing what I could not change. My heart was broken in so many ways. I was a child of great abuse, a spouse of great abuse, and then, married to a man of great mental abuse.

However, I am to blame, I am the mother and no matter how broken I was, I should have been able to fix the problems and saved my children from going down the wrong path. I am to blame, and have carried this weight for 35 years.

I have never stopped trying, never. But, my daughter wears her story and has told everyone, so that when I am around her friends, family, etc, the elephant is always in the room, and that elephant is me.

My son, he is okay, though his childhood affect his life. He went through a lot of bad choices, and was placed in juvenile hall. So, the friends could not fix his problems either. He is good now, and is a dedicated employee and father. My daughter is an amazing nurse and mother. I know, what you all think. How could I have placed my kids with other people. Officials came to my apartment to talk to me. As you can see, I felt, truly hopeless. I was not a neglectful parent. I showed love, affection, routine, barrowed money for my daughters violin, etc.

Nonetheless, I failed them, I failed them in every way. So perhaps, I deserve the treatment from my daughter. She is my best friend when she needs money or something. After, slowly she slides back into being too busy. I helped my son for years, but have stopped now. He is able to take care of his life.

My daughter is a register nurse and is doing well. Please, feel free to share your thoughts. Please be kind. I have been beaten enough, but still hold this weight of loss, and failure. I often want to kill myself, and just leave this life, then I feel my daughter would be free of where I failed her. But, I have three other children, and they would be crushed. But the temptation at times overshadows that. Dear Marie, the idea that if you died, your abandoned daughter would be free is just wrong on so many levels.

That is not how human psychology works! Please tell your therapist you have thoughts of suicide. The sad part is that given what you experienced, how your brain dealt with it is normal. That is the way anyone would feel when abandoned. It does not mean something is wrong with you. It means something was wrong with your caregivers care-taking abilities and it created emotional distress for you. Your brain developed coping mechanisms designed to protect you.

It developed distrust in order to not be hurt again. It developed anxiety to be watchful for the same reasons and so on. Even if those strategies might not be great for you in the long run.

Remember, the underlying powerful emotion driving these developments is fear. Fear can make us do funny things. Not funny ha ha but funny as in hard to explain. Understanding this is critical to your well-being. It does not mean you have to reject, confront, blame or punish your parents in some way. It just means you have to gain insight into what was the true starting point of your current emotional difficulties in order to develop a clear path to feeling better.

Operant condition can be used at work, home, and at school to shape and change the way you behave and react. Do narcissistic traits originate from the same childhood place that codependent traits do? Plus, are the two personality types compatible or toxic? But there are ways to manage it and…. They look for the things that are wrong instead of what is right. Nobody has the chance to break up with them, because they leave first. They are actually hard to know, because they do not trust people and are afraid to let them get close.

The result is that they are lonely. They love the idea of being in love and give a lot of themselves in a relationship, but feel the partner is not appreciative. Once in the relationship, they get bored easily. Individuals with abandonment issues withdraw emotionally, giving their partner reason to think they have done something wrong.

This is a very common characteristic for men with abandonment issues. Whether it is how the house is decorated, the clothing they wear or what their body looks like, it has to be perfect. While they are busy perfecting everything, they are unhappy in the process. Your email address will not be published. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment.

Counseling News. What Are Abandonment Issues? What Is Considered Abandonment? Grew up with neglectful parents. A beloved person passed away.

The experience of loneliness when a best childhood friend moved away. Rejection by somebody the person loved. Absent parent. A parent who is too depressed to give the child attention. A parent with an addiction that takes all of his energy. A parent who is emotionally cold and unavailable. Parents who go out or away often and leave a child with babysitters and relatives.

Sexual or physical abuse. Do I Have Abandonment Issues? Extreme jealousy or clingy behavior in a romantic relationship. Rejection of a partner before they can be rejected. A fear of abandonment is a form of anxiety. It often begins in childhood when a child experiences a traumatic loss.

Children who go through this experience may then begin to fear losing other important people in their lives. Some individuals continue to fear abandonment as they grow older. Although it is less common, abandonment issues can also sometimes begin in adulthood. Support and treatment can help reduce the anxiety.

Keep reading to learn more about abandonment issues in both adults and children, including the signs, causes, and treatment options. Fear of abandonment is not a standalone mental health condition, such as depression, but it is a form of anxiety and even a phobia in some senses. People with abandonment issues may experience problems in relationships because they fear that the other person will leave them. Signs and symptoms of abandonment issues in adults include:.

Individuals who experienced abandonment in childhood may find themselves drawn to people who will treat them poorly and eventually leave them. When this occurs, it reinforces their fears and distrust of others. In children, some degree of worry about caregivers leaving them alone is common. Separation anxiety is a normal part of development in infants and very young children.

It typically peaks between 10 and 18 months and ends by the age of 3 years. Separation anxiety and abandonment issues become a concern when the symptoms are severe or continue for a long time. In children, a fear of abandonment may manifest itself in the following ways:. In severe cases, such as those in which a child has experienced the loss of a parent or caregiver, they may develop unhealthy ways of coping, such as:. In adopted children, research indicates that the child may experience the following due to feeling abandoned:.

Abandonment issues arise from the loss of a loved one, such as a parent, caregiver, or romantic partner. The loss often stems from a trauma, such as a death or divorce.